Is Your Housemate Having Sex With The Vacuum Cleaner?

Worryingly the sexual abuse of vacuum cleaners has been on the rise for quite some time. We have published this list to help you identify if a member of your household is using a vacuum cleaner for sex.

Based on our research and analysis, we believe that the following positive traits could indicate the presence of non-consential vacuum cleaner sex.

1: Overuse of vacuum cleaner

The frequency of vacuum cleaner usage is the first step in evaluating possible abuse. For most cases we are looking for changes in behavior versus normal profile usage.

An example of a positive trait of abuse

Profile: 28 year old computer science graduate - currently plays WoW 5 hours per day.
Normal usage: Usually only vacuums one a year for annual parental visit
Current usage: Is vacuuming up to 4 times a night and sometimes more if excess alcohol is consumed.

Conclusion: The strong change versus normal profile usage is a positive indicator of vacuum cleaner abuse.

2. Choice of model

Certain vacuum cleaner models are more susceptible to abuse than others. A vacuum cleaner abuser will often choose a model they can easily "sex up."

Look out for the following "high risk" model: Henry Hoover

  • It always has a smile on its face regardless of the object it is cleaning.
  • Vacuum suction provided by mouth area.
  • Folding carry handle makes it easy to move into posisition.

Low risk models include: steam cleaners

These are defined as low risk due to the fact that usage with one of these models on the genitalia can cause scolding and intense pain.

3. Strange Behavior

Watch for the following positive abuse behavior when choosing a new vacuum cleaner:

Scene: Your in the local electronics shop looking for new vacuum cleaner:

You: "hey here is the latest Dyson DC17x500 with a free time machine and its only $40"

Possible abuser: "Nah, why don't we just keep it simple with a Henry Hoover - ain't it cute with its tight little mouth [often an abuser will start salivating at this point]"

4. Storage Location

Most vacuum cleaner abuse is performed impulsively so it requires easy access to the device.

Based on our profiling research, most vacuum cleaner abusers will keep the unit within view of their sleeping position. Major indicators of abuse can also include the cleaner being located at the side of the bed or within "arms reach".

If the vacuum cleaner in question is a communal device we recommend storing it in a publicly viewable room such as a kitchen.

5. Muscle Wastage

It's a sad fact that vac abusers will become bored and disinterested in manual masturbation once sex with a vacuum becomes an option. Often you will notice a visible reduction in muscle mass in either wrist due to the muscles no longer enjoying a regular workout.

6. Pain in the Genitals

Regular usage of a vacuum cleaner for sexual pleasure can often result in physical pain for the recipient. Long term abusers will often take extra care to protect their bruised genitalia and will often scream out in pain from even the lightest knock.

Watch out for suspect housemate suddenly deciding to wear a sports box in normal situations.

7. The "Sniff" Test

Finally we have a test that we don't recommend but if all else fails it can be an easy way to confidently prove abuse. The process involves smelling the end of the vacuum cleaner and any relevant attachment.

It will be very obvious if the attachment has been used on human genitalia and thus prove the guilt of the suspect. However in some rare cases, suspects have been known to deep clean the vacuum and attachments after each "usage." So a lack of smell does not always imply innocence.

Please use this information to help us stamp out sexual vacuum cleaner abuse.

13 Responsesto “Is Your Housemate Having Sex With The Vacuum Cleaner?”

  1. Paul Jeffery says:

    Looks like this multi-talented Henry’s innocence has already been ruined…. “Ohh yar very norty!”

  2. jud says:

    So can both sexs use a vacuum cleaner? ;)

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